Feelings

Today I'm mainly going to talk about feelings. But first a quick note before I start today's entry: If my condition turns out to be malignant, it is extremely treatable; surgery on my thyroid will take care of the problem, but we're still not sure if I need it yet.

On to today's topic, then. I guess the main thing I've been thinking about lately is, "Why is this happening to me?" I take pretty damn good care of myself. I quit smoking 3 years ago, and even then I was only on a pack a week. I try to eat healthy; I'll admit I'm a bit of a junk food junkie and candy afficionado, but I (almost never) eat candy for breakfast. So where did I go wrong these past 19 years?

Maybe it's payback. Payback for being a b-word (I don't use profanity here because I want to keep this PG rated) to people sometimes. But then again, the reason I am one is often because of my condition. Maybe it's what I get for my behaviour problems as a child. I was aggressive and insubordinate and got expelled from my private school in 3rd grade. Maybe it's some kind of curse. I have the best of intentions no matter how angry I get. I'm not a bad or evil person. So why me?

My mom says sometimes it's just dumb luck. Luck? Generally that word is associated with positive things. A fluke? Again, associated with the positive. I want to know why this is happening but nobody is giving me a clear answer. Just "dumb luck". So I'm pretty upset about that right now. I just wish I knew what the heck happened down the road that I ended up like this.

On a positive note today, I had orientation for college today. The room was highly air conditioned, and I was the only one who didn't complain that it was cold. Although I was comfortable temperature-wise, it was very boring, but I plan to look at the materials they gave me at home. Now I'm just relaxing. Gonna go have a glass of ice water and try and keep my mind off what irks me day in and day out.